The Relationship Between Loving Someone and the Language You Love With

Let me first start off saying this might get messy. This topic tends to bring up very different opinions on the matter and I just want to say that both are correct. When Lauren Collins, writer for The New Yorker, fell in love with a Frenchman, their relationship was monolingual. They spoke English to each other, as do many mixed couples. In fact, it’s funny that French and Italian are often cited as the languages of love because based on all the international love stories I’ve come to know, I’d say English has been overlooked. None of these relationships would exist were it not for a somewhat-formed backbone of English, so often harped upon for not being as sexy as Italian or as intellectual as German. So while many couples are created on English, how many actually go on to reciprocally learn each other’s language? We might ask ourselves another question here which is: is it necessary? If both people speak a common language to a certain level of fluency, is there an urgent, specific need to add more to the mix? Collins’s husband is quoted in the book as saying “speaking to you in English is like touching you with gloves”. This is quite the statement. It essentially implies that without speaking our partner’s native language, we are somewhat limited to understanding not only the person we have in front of us, but the relationship as a whole. I have to disclose that I bat for Lauren’s team. I started studying my husband’s native tongue, Italian, nine years ago and haven’t stopped since. We live a fairly bilingual existence in Italy where we make a conscious (to answer your question, yes it gets annoying at times) effort to switch languages and give both English and Italian a chance during the day. Our cat understands Italian and English, though I think his Italian is probably stronger.  While the years have gone by and it’s hard to think back to the beginning, I can’t imagine what it would be like to not know Italian. On a pure relationship-level, knowing Italian has brought us to a fairer playing field. We each get to take an intellectual swing at things and since intelligence, to me, is extremely sexy, I find myself particularly turned on when my husband uses American slang properly or remembers that future tense cannot be used after a time clause. I think the feeling is reciprocal. I’ve always known my husband was smart but when I hear him speak formally in Italian, I know it even more. In Italian, he’s just a bit wittier, a bit cruder, a bit more vulgar, a bit more romantic, a bit more of a smart ass. In Italian, he’s just a bit more him and it’s that little bit that I’d be missing out on if I hadn’t ventured into Italian. His terms of endearment for me and pet names are all in Italian, mine for him are in English. Make what you will of that. The point is, I do think you’re missing out on something by not sharing your partner’s native tongue. It might be something so small that you can’t even put a finger on it.

Here’s a very quick example of something that I’ve discovered between Italian and English:
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In Italian, there is the futuro semplice. In English, we technically have three forms of expressing future (not counting Future Progressive or the Perfect tenses): will + verb, going to + verb, and Present Progressive used to talk about near future plans. When I teach Italians about the differences in using Future tenses in English, I find that the greatest struggle is that Italians can’t wrap their heads around the cultural and linguistic difference in knowing something will happen for sure (a plan, or having the intention) and if it’s just a thought, a happy hope but not guaranteed. In English, if we plan to see a movie with friends, we say “I’m going to see a movie with friends” and not “I will go see a movie with friends”. Italians always struggle with why to choose the former over the latter. In many ways, I think it might also be a cultural thing. Nothing is certain, what if something better comes up? Non-committal has my husband’s name next to it in the dictionary but knowing Italian makes me more understanding of his very nature. English asks someone “will you marry me?” while Italian asks “mi vuoi sposare?”. Isn’t that intriguing? English wants to know your future action, Italian wants to know if you want something at that moment of asking. Future vs. Want. Promise vs. Desire. A subtle difference owed to language and culture.

​In conclusion, well, there isn’t really one. That being said,  I’d love to hear your own experiences and opinions on this topic. Write me in comments or on the Questa Dolce Vita Facebook page! 

If you enjoyed this post, you may also like to "dare un'occhiata" at these ones:
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FIVE Ways I've Become More ITALIAN in Canada
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​Dating Diversity: Italy vs. Canada (and North America)
​The Most Difficult Thing You’ll Face as an Expat: Having a Sick Family Member Back Home
​Daily Things I Never Did Before Moving to Italy

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