The call came at 7.34 in the morning in an apartment in Bologna, Italy. It came on my husband's phone, our sleep interrupted by the vibrating insistence. This was already a bad sign because my family always tries my husband's phone after calling mine. The first bad sign was of course, the time of day. As most people, I've always been afraid of calls in the early morning and middle of the night. Ever since my father received the call that his father had passed away in the middle of the night, I've always dreaded the same call. I must have had mine on silent, a rarity because I always forget. 7.34 on Sunday, January 21st in Italy. It's your brother, whispered my husband. I said "hello" a few times before realizing I hadn't even answered the call. I slid my thumb across the screen and heard a click as the line connected and then a sob. Hello. Hello, I said, sleep in my voice. My head automatically did the time difference calculation. It was late night in Canada, the 20th. January 20th. Exactly five months to the day since the death of our father. I felt myself exhale with relief. That's what he must be calling about. He's having a difficult moment as we all do when we realize the date has a connection to loss. How I wish that were the reason. I'm at the hospital, he says. Grandpa had a heart attack. He's passing away. I couldn't form any words, whether from the shock or the fact I was half-asleep. What? I kept repeating it flatly like a mantra. What. What. What. Not even a question, I wasn't even able to inflict my voice at the end. Just an affermation I continued nonsensically. I asked what he meant, as if there could be some kind of misunderstanding, as if we spoke different languages. There had to be. My grandpa was active, always on the go, in fact it was hard to even arrange to see him because my grandparents had the social schedule of teenagers. He was getting his sun hat ready for Hawaii, they were leaving in two weeks to spend a month in Honolulu, something they had been doing annually for years and years. They would take the bus to Chinatown and buy fresh shrimps to eat for dinner. He would buy grandma and I an ice cream in the evenings because he knew how much we loved coconut ice cream. I just lay there thinking about coconut ice cream in the perfect, white linen sheets, in the morning darkness, listening to my little brother cry from half a world away. Sometimes I ask myself how the human spirit can withstand so much. How can they be gone and I have to think about buying string beans for dinner? What kind of universe requires that these two realities co-exist? I kept analyzing my brother's words, the grammar was all off. What does passing away mean? Passing away belongs to cancer's realm. Heart attacks and the present progressive tense are an oxymoron. There is nothing in progress. A heart either beats or it is still. I think he chose to use that tense to avoid the finality, the completed action of the simple past. Of course he did. Avoidance of finality, of endings, is part of our nature. For years since I "grew up", my grandpa would ask me to come and stay over at their house like I used to when I was little. I kept putting it off, kept thinking I'd have another chance. I don't know why we have to continually experience death to learn how to live, to realize why putting things off is the dumbest thing you can do. If you're reading this, don't wait. Don't wait and always say yes. To whatever life asks of you, say yes.
13 Comments
Manon
1/23/2018 05:07:53 pm
I am so sorry to ear this terrible news of you grandpa Jasmine, may he Rest In Peace, may you have special memories keeping him close to you. We are never ready for our loved ones leaving us either by sickness or just leaving us unexpectedly, such a hard year for you Jasmine, makes it twice as hard being far away. I hope you can go and stay with your family in these very difficult time, you surely need them close to you now... 🙁
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Bonnie Melielo
1/23/2018 10:40:16 pm
Big hugs, prayers for strength and peace. You are being upheld by loving thoughts from all around the world.
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Jasmine
1/30/2018 01:06:13 pm
Sorry only responding now. Thank you Bonnie, this was such a thoughtul message and really meant something to me.
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1/24/2018 01:22:11 pm
No matter what age -- it's not easy to lose one you love. Prayers for you and your family. Your grandpa will always be with you and I believe that their spirit remains with us. Talk to him and let him comfort you. Big hugs!!
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Jasmine
1/30/2018 01:09:21 pm
The absolute truth. Thank you for your support Marisa Franca, hugs! (Sorry, I think I've addressed you as only Marisa in previous posts without realizing I was leaving out the Franca!)
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I am so sorry for your loss. I have received this type of call too often myself. And it's somehow even harder when you are so far away and can't go one last time to be with that person or surround yourself with those who mourn a loss with you. Be kind to yourself and take it easy for a bit. Sending you my condolences from Modena.
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Jasmine
1/30/2018 01:10:18 pm
Thanks for your message Sabrina. The worst possible call. Luckily I was able to be in Canada this past weekend. I appreciate your comforting words at this time.
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1/24/2018 03:44:31 pm
Oh sweetie, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. Your family is still dealing with the loss of your dad and now this. My heart, prayers and love go out to you and your family! I lost my grandfather in Canada last year, it's truly heartbreaking! Un bacione!
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Jasmine
1/30/2018 01:11:16 pm
LuLu, I know, it seems like a bad dream come true doesn't it? Sorry to hear you've lost your grandpa as well, I know it's not easy. Hugs to you all the way where you are. Hope we can meet and share a real one!
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Dear Jasmine, I wish with all my heart that words could take away the pain of loss, but I hope at the very least these words can help you feel loved and supported in your grief. My grandfather also passed away in January on the 16th 40 years ago, but I can still feel the grief from my mother and grandmother of his sudden death (he also died of a heart attack) and I grieve that I never got to meet him. Grief never fully goes away, but reminds us how much we have loved and still love someone. Sending love to you and your family.
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Jasmine
3/6/2018 10:20:17 am
Hey Kelly dear, I realized I never responded to you here but I'd like to thank you again for your sweet message.
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3/8/2018 10:52:34 pm
So sorry we are just reading this post now Jasmine. But we wanted to say how truly sorry we are for your losses. We can't begin to imagine what losing your Dad must have felt like, but we know all to well about losing a Grandfather. Reading your post had us in tears as we recall how we found out about our Grandad, it was literally the worst day of our lives and makes us cry just thinking about it. It sounds strange because sometimes we make ourselves think about it just to feel that pain again because we miss him every day it hurts. It's not even real sometimes, like the thought of not being able to hug him or speak to him. It's heartbreaking. Life is a very strange thing sometimes,we are given these amazing people and then they are taken away and it just doesn't seem fair. Maybe we just have to feel blessed that we have them to begin with, which we do, but sometimes it still doesn't seem right.
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Jasmine
3/9/2018 10:34:41 am
I really appreciate your message, thank you. I don't think it ever gets to be "ok", it's never really ok and like you said, there are days it just doesn't seem real. Like I can just imagine the both of them puttering around at home. My Dad watching a movie or making me instant noodles and my grandpa doing tai chi or picking up newspapers to take to church. I also do that to myself, think about it. I'm glad to know I'm not abnormal in that though, sometimes I'm like "why are you thinking about this over and over?!". Much love to both of you as well. VVB. Vi voglio bene :)
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